Monday, September 24, 2007

A Helluva Afterlife

Let me start first by saying: If you're overly religious or offended by the subject of heaven and hell, go fuck yourself.

On the train this morning, I started thinking about what hell would be like, if such a place exists. It's always been portrayed as sort of a fire pit with lakes of lava and rivers of dead babies and stuff like that. It's not really logical, I mean, what's going to keep all that fire going? Not to mention, if your body is rotting in a coffin, who's ass is getting prodded with the all mighty Satan's pitchfork? Would they really go out of their way to give you a new body just to get it all scorched and holy (as in full of holes, get it?)

The train was particularly packed this day, and with a giant bag full of art supplies and another messenger back full of laptop, it made things kinda shitty. I was smack dab in the middle of the car, and the poles were just out of my hand's reach, I could only hold on with my fingers. After 1 stop, my arm was tired. This would be something I'd hate to have to do for an eternity (IE: Eternity in "Hell"). As I stated before though, if I'm rotting in a coffin(suitcase,body of water,ditch,smoldering fuselage) I don't really have to worry about my arm popping out of it's socket when the train jerks.

If I had to give a visual of something my hell would be, it'd be pretty mundane for most. I don't foresee fire or lava or anything like that. Hell would have a very "Asian person's house" smell, and you'd get one pair of white sneakers with a rock in it that you couldn't get out. You'd have to wait in huge lines to do anything, like, to leave your hell house you'd need to wait in a line. No matter what, the guy in front of you would have a "XxX" tattoo on the back of his neck and excessive amounts of back hair. People would ride bikes, and wear bike shorts, but only guys. So like, everytime you'd look, hoping to see some nice female ass, enhanced by lycra, it'd be a dude (though I guess you'd learn not to look.) There'd be giant speakers set up everywhere, that would only play Dane Cook comedy (because he isn't funny... at all.)

Doesn't sound to pleasant, does it? Certainly not a future I'd like to see. Thankfully, since I'm not part of that plague called Christianity, I don't feel the need to worry. Unless my theories are incorrect, I'll just have to deal with the minor inconveniences of life until I'm worm food.

Thanks for reading, and remember, have your Christians spayed or neutered.

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