Wednesday, December 9, 2009

"...that's nothing, you should see me play piano..."

 With the holiday season once again going down on us, I felt it appropriate to remind you all with a special holiday update. At the same time, I fucking hate holidays, so you're going to have to just deal with more of the same old ranting, questionable grammar, and low-brow puns.

Sorry to have been so blunt there, I understand if you want to go back to your regularly scheduled web browsing. I'd link you, but I don't want to be connected with any of the weird shit you're into online (you know exactly what I'm talking about...) If you read the last post and haven't yet learned to live with my vagueness, here's a few reasons I barely write anymore.

Back in July(roughly around the time I stopped writing), I bought one of these babies (the Xbox360, not an Emu as seen above...) and since my motivation to be creative,provocative,social, or active has gone down quicker than a $20 crackwhore. I've racked up 2 days and change of Call of Duty Modern Warfare 2 alone, the shame of it all...

                                  Nerd remorse aside, I have been attempting to fill the void in my life that no amount of first person shooters and chain-smoking can fill.  As this is the most of written  in almost a year and I like to withhold plans so it seems like I've got something up my sleeve, I'm going to leave it at that. The reality of course is that I've got other shit to do and my 4am wakeup to finish homework  is taking it's toll on my ability to focus.

God damn you Adderoll, you're never around when I need you most.

Friday, November 20, 2009

Out but not down

 Good afternoon loyal fan(s), I'd like to take this opportunity to completely ignore the fact that I haven't updated this thing in almost 6 months. The overwhelming support I've been receiving from kind folks wanting to offer me Russian whores and cheap Viagra was all I needed to return to this mecca of self gratification and ego stroking I call home.

It's been quite a half a year if you must know. I've grown my hair out, gone back to school, and really not much else. At the cost of continuity, I've got to say, shit's been alright. I have big plans developing, in the form of something awesome, but you'll have to wait for it to happen. When it does, you'll know it's happened...

I really don't have much more to say. Mountain Goats concert later on this month. I'll be there. Almost through this semester, pretty sure I'm doing well. This is starting to sound like a conversation I'd have with a relative I don't particularly like, so I'm going to call it a day. I'll have something better eventually when there's something I can bitch about.

Saturday, May 16, 2009

This Ain't No Party, This Ain't No Disco...

I know, I know... Three or so months without an update and now here comes an update? I bet you're thinking "Oh man, he's going to pull out all the stops and have something truly amazing for me, because I'm a loyal fan." The proof is in the pudding, my friend.

I've got no pudding. I do have money though, the fruit of 102 hour pay periods(two weeks) which is what I'll blame my blog-neglect on. It's not that I had a personality crisis and couldn't seperate my online persona from real life and went through a bout of crippling depression... Don't be ridiculous! There's more to life than worrying about everything else, or being social, and if you're going to be social, there should be alcohol. I found out that despite my lack of Irish heritage, I enjoy Guiness quite a bit. I need to get over my misanthropic tendencies though, because apparently empty bars aren't as happening a time as I think. That'd be a good segway for my "Fuck what everyone else thinks, only my opinion matters" but much like the Boston Globe, I need readers.

The summer is coming, which means nothing good can possibly happen. The weather gets hotter, and after April eased the tip into the collective vagina of Massachusett's South Shore, I can confidently say that if you enjoyed it, you deserve to be beaten with a bag of dead puppies. I'm hoping Phase II takes off so I can fufill my dream of living out my years in Alaska or the Arctic circle, away from any temperatures over 60 degrees. What can I say, I don't like to be all sweaty and gross when I'm outside. I don't want to turn brown and get skin cancer, which is exactly what the sun does. You know what else is brown all you people who soak up those cancerous UV rays? Yeah.. shit, feces is brown. You're all shit...

"Hey Hans! I happen to love tanning. I even go sit in one of those oversized dildo looking booths in the off season and fry my flesh... You know, like every other stupid cunt does."

You like the heat? Get a fire. When you find some fire, die in it. There. I said it. This may rub some people the wrong way, but I've my my "Opinionated Hat" on (which is a proper noun and thus capitalization is required...) so yeah, eat a bushel of dicks. The hat does exist by the way, I'm not being clever. It's also been called by New Hampshire hat, douche bag hat, and "The Hat that some older chick hit on me in outside of 'The Half Door' some time a while ago." I'm not really a hat guy, considering my head is shaped so perfectly. Not wearing hats is my way of giving back to the world. You're welcome.

At any rate, I feel like I've met the required criteria for this little entry. Let me run through the checklist though:
  1. Random lyric from a song as title-Check (Talking Heads-Life During Wartime)
  2. Lame excuse for not updating-Yep. Work...
  3. Bitching about something out of my control- Fucking Sun...
  4. Misdirected anger- Tanning crowd (Bonus given for suggestion of violence)
  5. Random anectdotal run-on-Hat thing/getting hit on at "The Half Door"
Yeah, I think we're good here. I promise new entries will be added in a timely and eventual manner, at some point at some time, and possibly some real big changes. You'll just have to wait and see, now won't you... If you're seeing this at all that is. Leave some comments so I know my growing Solipsism isn't justified.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Oscillate Wildly

If you look around the site, you may notice I added another level of obnoxious to the color scheme, I felt the place needed some sprucing up. I'll fix it at some point, maybe next year. I down played the whole New Year thing because at the time, I was committed to not doing anything new. No big resolution or anything like that, but as luck (and my commitment to goals) would have it, I caved.

I have a bunch of little goals in mind, but fuck them, they suck. The one I'm focusing on with the little attention I have is getting into shape. It's not an easy task, but after finding some old pictures of myself (at 190 lbs) it hit me: You were great looking! While I've tried before in the past to remotivate myself into a slimmer state, this time's for real. I say this because I'm already three weeks into the madness that is "Being Healthy."

"But Hans... You smoke cigarettes, you don't eat fruit, and you're constantly staying up for days at a time. How are YOU healthy?"

Well, lets just say it's healthy the Strongo way... No one cares how much cholesterol they have or whether or not they're getting enough potassium in their diet. The real issue at hand is how they look. People who DO care about what they eat and put into their body and all that other silly shit, well, they are already attractive and well liked. Me? I've lost 9 lbs in 22 days by eating Frosted Mini Wheats, salads, and tofu. Do I get the recommended daily amounts of Vitamin D? Who knows? Do my pants fit better? You bet your flabby ass that all this talk of fitness makes you feel guilty about...

"Hans; you're being ridiculous. You've got a good personality, that's what people care about. And your sense of humor...."

That's enough out of you Devil's advocate/voice in my head(blog). You're fucking wrong. Personality is great, but it's what seperates the father to be from the "Hold my bag while I try on this vibrator." You might be the funniest guy alive, but without some modicum of "Dayum he lookin' fine *tripple snap*" then you're simply comic relief. You will be commissioned forever to make caddy comments during tv shows with your "Girlfriends."

This is my defiant fist into the vag of societies standards. Yes, I aware I am totally falling victim to the age old trend of hating myself via poor self image, but I want to look good in my own eyes as well. These past few years of being out of shape have given me the edge I need to go straight to the top. Married women, recently widowed women. No longer will I settle for the drunk chick that bites when you make out with her (though if you're reading this, give me a call...) when I have my God-Like Physique. Mark my words, loyal fan...

Suck my personality,world.

Strongo-1, Calories-0

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Irreconcilable Indifference

Another new year and another extensive and unannounced hiatus. I'd like to say I've been really busy with this, that, and the other thing; in all honesty, I haven't done a damn thing. Thankfully, the holidays have come and gone and people are back to being douche bags.

The only thing worth looking forward to during the major holidays (the kind I get paid extra to work...) is not having to be in class. With that in mind, I go back tomorrow. Another semester in Brookline. Crammed into trains like the families of said Boston suburb (circa 1933-1945), and being forced between my scholastic responsibility and those horrid social obligations. As if I wasn't sulky enough, right?

Truth be told, I'm at the point where I'm beyond "First day jitters," this being my 5th semester. Just three or so more and I can join the world of pretentious assholes making the world a prettier place through the magic of graphic design. Or photoshopping penises into or out of pictures (depending on the client.) At any rate, I'll keep this short and sweet because the barrell of sleeping pills I took earlier are begining to massage my eyeballs with their magic little fingers, made out of jello and kitty cats.

That doesn't sound very hygenic at all.