Monday, September 24, 2007

A Helluva Afterlife

Let me start first by saying: If you're overly religious or offended by the subject of heaven and hell, go fuck yourself.

On the train this morning, I started thinking about what hell would be like, if such a place exists. It's always been portrayed as sort of a fire pit with lakes of lava and rivers of dead babies and stuff like that. It's not really logical, I mean, what's going to keep all that fire going? Not to mention, if your body is rotting in a coffin, who's ass is getting prodded with the all mighty Satan's pitchfork? Would they really go out of their way to give you a new body just to get it all scorched and holy (as in full of holes, get it?)

The train was particularly packed this day, and with a giant bag full of art supplies and another messenger back full of laptop, it made things kinda shitty. I was smack dab in the middle of the car, and the poles were just out of my hand's reach, I could only hold on with my fingers. After 1 stop, my arm was tired. This would be something I'd hate to have to do for an eternity (IE: Eternity in "Hell"). As I stated before though, if I'm rotting in a coffin(suitcase,body of water,ditch,smoldering fuselage) I don't really have to worry about my arm popping out of it's socket when the train jerks.

If I had to give a visual of something my hell would be, it'd be pretty mundane for most. I don't foresee fire or lava or anything like that. Hell would have a very "Asian person's house" smell, and you'd get one pair of white sneakers with a rock in it that you couldn't get out. You'd have to wait in huge lines to do anything, like, to leave your hell house you'd need to wait in a line. No matter what, the guy in front of you would have a "XxX" tattoo on the back of his neck and excessive amounts of back hair. People would ride bikes, and wear bike shorts, but only guys. So like, everytime you'd look, hoping to see some nice female ass, enhanced by lycra, it'd be a dude (though I guess you'd learn not to look.) There'd be giant speakers set up everywhere, that would only play Dane Cook comedy (because he isn't funny... at all.)

Doesn't sound to pleasant, does it? Certainly not a future I'd like to see. Thankfully, since I'm not part of that plague called Christianity, I don't feel the need to worry. Unless my theories are incorrect, I'll just have to deal with the minor inconveniences of life until I'm worm food.

Thanks for reading, and remember, have your Christians spayed or neutered.

Thursday, September 13, 2007

Advetures In Brookline

What do you do when you're class ends at noon and your next one starts at 4pm? Anything you want! However, when your school is in Brookline, your choices are slightly less exciting.

Armed with a veritable ass-load of free time and my totally sweet Macbook, I set out, to paint the town of Brookline red. After just 10 minutes, my school disappearing behind the other buildings in the area, I was in the filthy, wretched, bowels of Brookline. Also known as Brookline, without the filthy and wretched part, as it's quite clean.

I had been here before, my last Thursday class got out even earlier and I was forced to feed my wanderlust. This Utopian, predominantly Jewish hood has a toy store, lots of new wave hair salons (the kind that have a lot of beads and vases and gay stuff like that) and rival coffee shops.

Being able to hear your stomach over music is discomforting so I scoured the town center for anything resembling a Chinese restaurant, craving some tasty General Gao's Tofu. I got my tofu, but it was certainly not of the Gao variety, and that made me a sad panda, plus the rice had eggs in it.

With a belly full of bean curd, I padded along, down Harvard St. to the dueling coffee shops. On one side, you've got the New England favorite, Dunkin' Donuts. On the other side, you've got a Starbucks, for people who like their coffee to be dripped slowly from the ass of Rosie O'Donnel and pureed in a blender then heated up nice and hot and ridiculously priced. Obviously I chose the first one, and to my utter shock, they not only spoke English, were super nice, but they were like .50 cheaper than what it costs in Quincy!

Smoking a cigarette in front of the liquor store(with a giant clock) I watched a yoga cunt trip and fall right on her face not even five feet before my eyes. I had to beat a quick retreat for fear of her hearing my laughing and putting me an awkward position, like asking me why I would laugh at her for falling.

Now here I am, at the Brookline Public Library with an hour left on my battery and almost 2 hours til my next class. The bastards made me throw my coffee away too, which I guess isn't too bad because I know have yet another objective to fulfill.

So good bye anyone who read this, my oh so rare "Two in one day" blogs. See you all really soon with other dumb things you can read to waste time.

Going down on Ben and Matt

Welcome to Boston, a city rich with history and culture. Come see the famous Boston Commons, visit the holocaust memorial. See Fenway Park, home of the Red Sox. See the city from one of the wonderful Duck Tours. How about Faneuil Hall? While you're here, stop off in Cambridge, where Ben Affleck and Matt Damon will now have intersections named after them.

You read right. These two "natives" are getting intersections named after them. In a state that saw the lives of Emily Dickinson, Robert Frost, Jack Kerouac, John Adams and son, and a good majority of the other founding fathers; and these two get a god damned intersection named after them?

Thank God! I was running out of reasons to hate it here. What's next? What else are they going to pull on our fair people? It's bad enough that the cost of living has made Boston a haven for yuppies and scum of the like, but now this? Gigli Boulevard? Bourne Parkway? Smokin' Aces Community Free Clinic.

Sure, we had that whole throwing tea into a harbor thing, but this is truly a defiant "Fuck You" in the face of everyone. Maybe I'm wrong here, but am I the only one disgusted by this? It wouldn't surprise me, being the only person in the state who thought "The Departed" was a massive pile of runny shit.

Ben: You were married to Jlo for like a week and your movies suck. Deep throat a shotgun.
Matt: "The Good Shepard" was the worst 2 hours and 38 minutes of my life, catch a bullet with your face.

Fuck Your Intersections.

Friday, September 7, 2007

Procrastination 101

School has started and I've got to say, it's been pretty neat. The whole feel of the place is kinda nice in general.

Classes are not too bad so far, though I haven't had English or "Fundamentals of Design" yet. Thankfully, that dreadful last post is behind me. I wouldn't really have topped myself if I didn't get in, I just would have waited until next semester, but who doesn't love the drama?

I went out and bought an MacBook and I've got to say, it's quite possibly the coolest thing I've ever owned. It's just plain hot, the super model of laptop technology. The keys are so smooth, it's like typing on a vagina.

I've lost interest in this blog,sadly. Time is not on my side these days and I'm running out of witty things to say (if you haven't noticed...) It's about time to introduce phase two of FYB, which you'll (the 3 1/2 people who read this) will see.

Anywho, I've got a train to catch. The Brown train waits for no man....

Get it? No.. I figured.