Sunday, May 20, 2007

I believe in swordfish

I quit smoking today. Yep, after almost 10 years of smoking, I gave it up.*

On the way to the store today, to pick up another 12 pack of Diet Dr.Pepper, I had to shove through a crowd of marauding teenagers. What scum! Taking up the sidewalk with complete disregard to anyone else! I miss that age..

I'm still young, don't get me wrong, but the reminders of my aging keep coming up all the time and it's depressing as hell. Pay for insurance? Picking said insurance, not making enough money to actually live on. It's scary! To hold onto my youth, I've decided to start a gang, based on something that got me in trouble in High School (and inadvertently sent to 'juvie'.)

Yarbles Crew, Why Cee in dis bitch. Joo noe? We'll take gangland by storm, you'll see. It's pretty easy to get in, but we have some pretty strict guide lines to adhere to:

  • You must wear a white bandanna in your left back pocket at all times

  • Grey t-shirts are worn for any type of gang meeting/barbecue/picnic/car wash

  • You must be able to perform the gang handshake without a moments notice (revealed upon application approval)

  • You must act like you know everything, and let other people think this too

  • Never say sorry, unless you have to, but don't be sincere about it

  • Be able to snarl

  • Act smug at all times

Pretty standard stuff. I am obviously the leader. We'll find some other 'crews' to 'rumble' with down the road, but for now we'll just mull around my backyard, drink Heineken and scoff about the latest styles, hypothesize, scrutinize,and other things that end with the suffix 'ize.' Send all applications to, include your name and address so I can send your bandanna.

*I quit smoking for 45 minutes because I left my cigarettes on the kitchen table

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Straight Edge? In my face?

It dawned on me the other day at work that I have no idea what the hell the song "Black horse and The Cherry Tree" is about. I tried as hard as I could to focus on each and every lyric and put some sort of meaning to it. I ended up dropping everything I was carrying and saying "Fucking Cunt" in front of a 4 year old Filipino. It bugged me each time the song came on(about once an hour) and I wracked my brain, trying to wrap my brain around what kind of message this woman with bright red lipstick was getting at.

On the walk home, I had the Ipod on shuffle. From 'Brother's Roast beef' to Dunkin Donuts, Manowar told me about how great they were[Kings of Metal] and while I waited to cross Hancock Street, I learned about the benefits of the AIDS virus from Ethnic Cleansing[Hail AIDS.]

Back at work, I'm lost in a sea of confusion. On my time, the music I listen to is simple. I relate to it. If I'm going to punch you in the face, or drink some beer, or talk about love being a battlefield, you're going to understand it. I don't need to throw out archaic terminology or use complex metaphors to describe my feelings. Sure, I can! I sometimes do even, but it's not really appropriate to launch into prose when the guy selling you cigarettes asks how you're doing, or to baffle him with your prolific take on life.

Perhaps you're a fan of this KT Tunstall broad. I'm not. I'll tell you why even. The song she sings, not that it is awful, but it is. Like most pop songs are. Yes I called it pop, why? It's Popular. Or was. It was on the radio, it was on Mtv. You have no license to artistic integrity when you package yourself for mass media. Put on 60 lbs and then belt out one of those "OOoh OOohs" with your ruby red lips. See how far you get then, baby.

You can read the lyrics to the aforementioned song at the link below. http://

Also, here is a lemur

Tuesday, May 8, 2007

Come back to us, Joey Lauren Adams.

You delighted us in Empire Records as the lovable, neurotic, whore. You stole our hearts in Mallrats when we got to see your boobies. We waited at the edge of our seats for you to eat muff in Chasing Amy. You made us cry in Jerry Maguire (so it was Renee Zellweger, but they could be sisters! Or atleast neighbors)

Where have you gone, Joey Lauren Adams? Why do you hide from the lime light, letting lesser actresses like Kiera Knightly steal your thunder? Who names their daughter Joey? Are you a baby Kangaroo?

Whether your're in rehab or just getting back to your Marsupial roots, I want you to know that we all miss you. It doesn't matter that you were in Dr. Dolittle 2. If you see this, let's hang out. OK?
Audrey Tautou(French actress famous for such films as Amelie and more recently,The DaVinci Code). Let's just say I'd like to 'yes' in her hair.

Saturday, May 5, 2007

All up in yo bungus!

Not quite, but hey, I added a counter! I even took out the hidden advertisement they had their for 'Natural Male enhancment.' Ever wonder how "Bob" from the enzyte ad lives? Going to the gas station/mall/adult book store must be hell for that guy. I can only imagine trying to pick up a hooker and being recognized as "The dude from the dick pills comercial."

Moving along at break neck speed... 28 weeks later? Dub tee eff? (That's what we cool kids do, spell out acronyms,bee tee dubya) Anyway, I'm assuming this is the sequel to "28 days later" which was I guess alright. With the exception of opening with some dude's penis and "Rage" zombies, not a bad flick. But why? End it there!
Danny Boyle, who directed 28 Days Later, also directed Trainspotting. Trainspotting, which you don't know (since no one I know in real life will read this garbage) is one of my favorite movies/books. It's been said that there's work being done on the sequel to Trainspotting(Porno) and I've been waiting for this for quite a while. More waiting I guess.

I'll leave you with this,my loyal 10 followers.

Friday, May 4, 2007

Boston Mediocre!

I hate the Orange Line. It smells like shit and everyone on it sucks. There, I said it.. For those of you who don't know, the orange line is a train route here in Boston.

This water tastes like paper towels. Figure that one out.

I'm missing a party for this. Not that I necessarily planned to sit hunched over a keyboard, chain smoking and firing out lines of text in my neato-burrito blog... It's just that watching "This is Spinal Tap" and playing 4 hours of Fallout seemed like a good idea, while missing 4 phone calls from well wishers and the party planning comittee. It wasn't like I was supposed to bring the crepe paper.

Was I supposed to bring the crepe paper?!

Thursday, May 3, 2007

Pretentiousness for sale!

Seriously: Can I get some money for this?

I've always considered blogs the most selfcentered things in the universe. Douchebags across the universe(yeah, universe) clacking away at their keyboards trying to verse their opinions to a sea of deaf ears. Or eyes, you know what I mean. I suppose you could say this is a cautionary post, because this is where I'm going to tell you that you'll find nothing constructive.

I'm caustic; I don't get along with people in the real world. I don't like people and yet work in customer service...

I don't socialize, and wonder why I'm so lonely.

All this "I" talk makes me want to go to Ihop.

Atleast now I can say "Oh this is soooo going in my blog" in a really lispy voice. And then paint the walls with my brain.