Monday, June 18, 2007

A timebomb ticking...motherfucker!

Everyone gets angry, it's impossible not to. These past few months, I've noticed a rise in my 'irrational and murderous rage' levels. Hands shaking, fists clenched, sweat beads cascading down my face and all from some extremely mundane things. In an effort to not actually kill someone for a minor annoyance, and keep things in order, I'll list them.

The Elderly: "Respect your elders" they say.... What says respect more than holding someone down, the grip on their Polident® smile slowly giving as the dentures slide to the back of their throat. Repeatedly kicking about the face and neck, as if to tenderize an old milk carton. Brittle ribs crack like nilla waffers, space age plastic hips give way to circa 1991 WWF style Leg drops and pizza dough skin quickly plums with broken blood vessels and blunt force trauma.

You're as old as the hills, wonderful! You deserve a discount because you're incontinent and cranky? They ask a lot of questions about different things but never seem to listen to a word of advise. It is my belief, that everyone over 75, with the exception of those with special permits, should be put somewhere and not allowed out.

White Trash revival: Larry the Cable guy isn't funny. Jeff Foxworthy isn't funny. Incest isn't funny. See a connection? When you don't bathe, you start to smell bad, and when your body fat percentage is over 30% you shouldn't wear just a tank top(no matter how hot it is!)
There's not a whole lot of ''Rednecks" in the North East, but there are dumb yokels nonetheless. Wearing NASCAR hats, holding the arm of their beautiful brides(Almost always over 200 lbs, waaay to short shorts, and a Tweety bird shirt with some mildly 'fresh' slogan on it.) You are white trash, please stop living.

Children: You shit yourself for the first 2-3 years of your life, then you become that which occupied your pampers for so long. Don't get me wrong, I like kids... just not when they're making noise. They cry and bitch and get their god damned way, every time! I had a kid flip out in line because the little twat wanted some random piece of confection. You know what their parents did? No, they didn't beat the brat in the middle of my store, they didn't even tell it to shut it's Gerber hole. They caved, gave the spoiled cunt what it wanted.

New public service from FYB: I will beat your kids! No longer do you have to feel the guilt of public discipline. Send me an email, we can set up an appointment. The next time little Suzie or Billy act up in public, I'm there, raining blows upon them like some sort of fucking psycho! They'll never throw a temper tantrum again..

When I was a kid, if I acted like a dick bag, it was always "Wait 'til your father gets home." My mother didn't have to say "Because you're getting your ass kicked," it was just implied. It got me into line real quick; that and the wooden spoon... But people don't beat their kids anymore! It's not politically correct these days. Instead of unleashing the fury to the ass of a child, it's all "Sit in the corner" or "Timeout." Learn to parent,plz.
"Blue tooth" headsets: You aren't important. I'm sorry, but you're not, and that stupid thing in your ear just makes you look stupid. Do you really think you're too good to raise your phone to your ear? This little device, if you didn't know, allows business men and poor people (who like to buy things they can't afford) feel like they are important. They keep these ridiculous things in their ears all day, having conversations with what appears to be themselves, then they get upset when you don't answer them right away. Oh I'm so fucking sorry! I thought you were on the phone....

Douche bags...

I only wish these came a lot larger so they could choke on them when I shove it down their throats. Business men en masse, all "linked up" with these things. It boils my blood,grinds my gears, gets my goat,ect. I want to walk up and rip them off their head,ear included, and crush them in my hand. Or smash them into a brick wall, user attached, until the conversation or person having it is dropped.

*Deep breath*



Fitter Happier said...


Lauren said...

There's an old saying an old friend used to say about very fat people in tank tops that I quite enjoy: Too much tank, not enough top.