Wednesday, June 27, 2007

And the colored voices in my head began to sing!


It would seem that summer is finally here. The oppressive heat, the blistering sun, and oh yeah: The ladies.

It appears the sun has defrosted whatever part of my brain that gives me the balls the hit on chicks, and though I hate myself for doing it, I give in every time. The girl at Borders, the woman behind me in line at 7-11, even people coming into my work; no one is safe from my smooth talking and relentless libido.

It dawned on me the other day, while eating Ramen noodles in my underwear at 1 in the morning and watching "Sean of the Dead" on Comedy Central: I need a woman. Not just any will do anymore, it's time to move up from the minor leagues and get back into the game.

My last sexual encounter was certainly less than spectacular (for me not her.) I won't go into the details, because I'm mildly disgusted with myself, but let's just say I faked it and couldn't look at her for the rest of the night. She wasn't my type in the least, and this is what I blame my sluggish performance on, but what exactly am I into?

I always hate to say a girl is "Not my type" since I'm not exactly sure what type is right for me. If it's got anything to do with past relationships, I'll take issues. Lack of self-esteem, paranoia, jealousy, ect. Those would be my turn ons, if we were taking that route. Real interests I have:

Glasses: No coke bottles or anything, but cute glasses are win. They make a girl look sophisticated, no matter how vapid she may be. Sure, I'll find out later of their resentment to killing lemons for lemonaid, but it certainly softens the blow.
Since I'm also a sucker for pretty eyes, if you have such eyes, they'll be magnified and I'll be able to see them even better.

Sense of Humor: If you laugh at my jokes, you're in. I don't care how off color or certifiably inappropriate it is, if you crack a smile, I'll love you. This also ties in with the ability to be candid, speak what's on your mind or just in general. Not that you should prattle on about things I could care less about, but awkward silences make for a bored and agitated Hans Strongo.

Vagina: Not really a preference but a prerequisite. At least one required for any type of relationship/one night stand/my attention during a donkey show,ect.

Down the road it helps if you can cook and you'll put up with my shit. Those three things will certainly help you get to that point, where you're cooking for me and dealing with my shit.

I'm contemplating running for mayor of my fair city, more to come on that later.

Proof reading is for suckers.

5 comments:

Fitter Happier said...

at first i thought it said "cooking and pulling up your shirt" haha..

ps: i put up with your shit, asshole.

Ryan said...

Fuck! I was golden until the vagina part.

Anyone have the number of a doctor who would not be ethically opposed to sewing lunch meat onto my body?

blog Portland said...

You just described your perfect woman to be Kathy Griffin

Hans Strongo said...

Fitter:Get out here

Ryan:I think if I was forced at gun point to choose a life partner who I'd never have to 'ya know..' but just like..share a house and the same life insurance policy(raise alpacas?) it'd be with you. Yup, still sounded really gay.

Blog Portland:C list and above only, I should've been more clear.

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