Tuesday, January 15, 2008

A Niche to Scratch

Hello my dears, it's been a while.School has started again, which makes my time even more limited, especially now that I'm out socializing and stuff. No more staying up late or drinking everyday, but there's one thing that never seems to change. As if by fate, I always find myself the victim of really horrid images that seem to pass for pornography.

Now, I'm not some crazy sex pervert or anything, but it's a lot like being on boat in the middle of the ocean with a fishing rod and having nothing else to do. The internet is porn. Sure, there are these neat blog dealies (and many many many not so neat ones) and you can IM all your friends or play some games, but when you break down the internet, it's quite easy to see.

Before you start making assumptions about my masturbatory habits (you sick fuck!) let me preface this by saying: No. It's not like that. I'm no saint, and I AM human, but these late night cruises on the information super highway lead me off that seedy Exit into pornsville, and usually, it's the very wrong way. Until they invent a Porn-Porn (ya know, like Tom-Tom) I'll share with you tens of tens of people who get stuck reading my stuff my pornographic faux pauxs.

Google! We all know it, we all love it. Where do you go when you need to find something on the internet? Whether it be a picture or lyrics to a song (every picture, with the exception of this, this, and this have been from Google.) Now that you've found your picture of the coffee table you think would look great in your living room, what do you do? Personally, I can only stand myspace to check messages/delete the porn-bots, and ya know, ADHD...

Soooo... Just Google and I. Nothing else is going on, no one is on ICQ and I've got no new Myspace comments from my loyal fans (you sons of bitches!) Hey! I wonder if I can find that picture of Brittany Spear's vagina that everyone keeps talking about. Google, you super sleuth, go git 'er!

Interesting. My curiosity has momentarily been satiated and I don't need to eat for the rest of the day. If you Google the term ass, looking solely for pictures of donkeys, you're going to get some interesting results (provided safe search is off.) Whether you like lovely lady ones or the big ol' hairy dude ones (you sick weirdo!) you're going to find it on Google. Here's where I get in trouble.

Often Googleing the first thing that pops into my head, I get a plethora of weird things. Clicking on said images, you get to see a small preview and an option to see the original source. Some of the things that pop up are just so gosh darn inappropriate for anyone to see that you've got to wonder what sort of site would be held responsible. But of course! The soft, often sticky, smelling strongly of cologne, underbelly of the internet.

If you've never been to a porn site, I'll explain. They organize their pictures and movies into categories, according to the target audience. While some sites specialize in just one thing, there are also things called "Galleries" that cater to all sorts of tastes/fetishes/disorders. You've got your Amateurs, Anal, Blow jobs, Cum shots, etc. Whatever act of perversion your little heart desires to see. You make your selection, and like magic, get moved on over to a full listing of just that particular category. If all this is old news to you, and you're a porn expert, remind me not to shake your hand if we should meet.

This is where the internet steps in to ruin porn for everyone. There are some things that no one should ever see, let alone do with another being (dead or alive). It really boggles the mind to think who can actually sit and watch this stuff and not only tolerate it, but enjoy it. Two girls, one cup; we've all seen it. Somewhere out in the world, someone has that saved on their computer as a screen saver. Someone has played it repeatedly while rubbing one out before having to leave for his job as your child's 6th grade teacher.

In addition to people shitting on/in/around each other, you're going to find a lot worse than just some simple Coprophilia and you've really got to wonder how people can be into them. Different strokes for different folks though, right? I don't want to meet the people that get their strokes to this stuff:

"Monster Cock"- Dudes with giant dongs fucking chicks. Why you would want to see a hot chick being plowed by some dude with a penis longer than your arm? You don't have one anywhere near comparable in size to his, or else you wouldn't be sitting in a musty room yanking your crank to it. You might actually get to, ya know... use it on someone? Also, if you're main interest in your pornography is the man parts (with which this would be the focal point) you might as well just go with gay stuff. They might not be packing pork loins, but it's quite clear if this is your forte that you're infatuated with man meat.

Pee/Poop: Yeah... Eww. Come on... I still try to convince myself that girls don't poop, and it has gotten me this far in life. You've got to wonder where in life people went wrong that they end up being on the end of a 'Golden Shower.' Is baby food really that expensive?

Midgets: Sure, when you're hanging with your buddies this might be funny to watch. Ol' Bridget the Midget, who I probably would have sex with (she is a midget...) but it's not really something you should be watching alone.

Transsexuals/Transvestites: Hey! Guess what? You're gay! Sure, you like the soft curves of a woman, but you're still thrilled by the rigidness of a hard cock. You're a homosexual! Make up your god damned mind, bi-sexual doesn't exist for guys. Build a thousand bridges,you're a bridge builder. Suck one cock, you're a cock sucker. I might be close minded, but you're getting your rocks off to chicks with dicks, who's got the problem?

Mature: There's a reason women go through menopause. I'm not sure what reason that is, and while I'm all for being "Over 40 and active" no one should ever see it. Mmm, yeah.... Cellulite and saggy breasts, that's hawt stuff. If you've really got a hankering to fuck your buddy's mom, give it a shot. The worst she can say is no, and there might be some awkwardness, but think about if you actually got to.

Hairy/'Natural': In the real world, women are busy. Not all of them have the time to meticulously remove the hair from their vagina. Now women who are being paid to perform sex acts for the internet, you'd think they'd take the time to trim a bit. I understand that this is a fetish thing and no so much like "Woops! Forgot to wax my vag..." but who the hell really wants to look at Big Foot in a leg lock?

'Young': Ok... I know what you're probably thinking. Now this doesn't necessarily mean Child pornography, but they certainly try. In my humble opinion, it's twice as fucked up to try to find a girl who is legal but looks like she's only 12. So all you girls who think you're too skinny, or you're self conscious of your mosquito bites, worry not! You may never be a topless dancer, but as long as you can wriggle into some Osh Gosh B Gosh, you may be the next Young porn phenomenon.

Hopefully if anything, this entry has been informative to those who haven't been exposed to the real reason behind the internet.Let's face it, in a world where games like World of Warcraft have BILLIONS of players, is there any wonder why so much abhorrent porn exists? It's fairly safe to say there's a lot of fucked up people on the internet, with WAY too much free time on their hand(s).

So before you frown on the guy who gets arrested for having sex with animals, stop and think. Some where, at this very moment, there is someone sitting in a dimly lit room, with an overflowing ashtray and a two liter of RC Cola making a Google image search for the same thing. The only difference, the 'Friend of Beasts' is actually getting some.



Robot Zombie Vampire said...

As much as I like your blog, not to mention the front page presence of "fuck," by the time I finish a long ass post like this I can barely see straight. Either I'm getting old, or you should reconsider your text/background colors. Methinks some of both, but mostly B.

Hans Strongo said...

Changed to a noxious yellow just for you

Robot Zombie Vampire said...