You ever notice how when you're watching the Price is Right, it's all commercials for life alert and power scooters and stool softeners? Stuff geared toward the elderly. Or when you should happen to surf by Jerry Springer (because my mature audience would never watch something like that...) it's all advertisements for sleazy attorneys who claim you can sue anyone or pawn shops promising money for your jewelry(heirlooms..) and stuff? Well, I got my first notice about my student loan, just kinda saying "Ok, we're paying your shit, but you owe us.." and right on cue, Credit Card applications by the barrel full.
Literally, the barrel full, I was throwing them out. I let the mail build up for a day and it was like an avalanche of low APR this, adjustable rate interest that! Visa, MasterCard, American Express! They all want me to spend their money! I should feel honored I suppose.
Since I'm a student, and I barely work anymore, I decided, "What the hell.." and opened one of them up. Ok, reading through. There's some % thingies, I was never good at those in school. Alright, no liability for fraudulent purchases. Cool. Oooh, pick your own card design? I was sold, granted their templates were lamer than lame, but whatever, I've always envied those fancy people with their tacky American Flag credit cards. Filled out the application online, got approved, and waited.
Today, at long last, I received my beautiful new credit card. From Capital One, complete with the "Starry Night" background I requested. I was going to go with the declaration of Independence header "We The People" but in todays world, it may as well been the Mayflower Compact since in the event that I did lose my card, no one is going to respect such a strong symbol of American independence, but rather rape my fragile credit line on a plasma TV or some pogs or whatever Identity
Thieves are into these days.
I read through the 'fine print' which was more numbers and % things, and then called the 1-800 number to activate my card. After my call reached the switch board in New Delhi, I spoke with a delightful young lady whose name I cannot pronounce, which isn't so bad because she couldn't pronounce mine either. We spoke of those APR things and she told me I could have $1000 somehow, and then some more about other stuff. I really couldn't understand her very much at all, crafty bastards. They're not outsourcing to save money, they're outsourcing to trick people. They may as well just get Ms. Swan to explain the policy on Identity Theft Protection. The only part I caught was that it'd cost me $9 a month, and I did most politely inform her she could fuck that noise.
My card got activated, I got a pin, I have a line of credit. I'm ready to join the millions of Americans crippled by debt. Payday is not until next week, but I simply can't live without an Ipod touch. No problem! Charge it! Charge it all! Lady behind me in line at Best Buy? Yeah, what the hell, you've earned that washer and dryer! Put it on the card baby! What's free money if you're not going to use it,right?
Oh but I jest. Your humble Blog-rator is not nearly that reckless (with money) that he would do such a thing. No, just like that condom you had in high school, this card is going to stay in my wallet until the time is right... or she's just that drunk.